Magnifying Safety Glasses

This is my story so far. I would appreciate some feedback please and thank you. I asked this question a few mins. ago but i accidentally deleted it. And thanks again if you guys comment.

The luminous moon perched itself right outside my windows in the shadow of the night. Its translucent radiance illuminated this dark room of mine. Tomorrow will be the day that I shall grasp the meaning of being a human along with my so-called best friend slash rival, Nathan. I mean he is my best friend and all, but he is the prodigy of the best academy in all of Shin Dynasty, which means that he’s better than me. And because of that fact, he totally irritates me with his stuck-up personality. I mean why I couldn’t have been in his place always being fawned over the fan girls, though I would preferably not have his silly ability. But I know I can’t literally steal his place because that would mean breaking Code 126 of the hundreds of other codes we had to remember. I have repeatedly recited in my brain that the codes were magic laws or inhumane spells, officially made by the elders of Krystallite probably over thousands of times for class. I sighed reminding myself that Nathan and I were just too different.
I tossed and turned underneath my thick covers, being too excited for tomorrow. One step further towards my future. I mean what was I going to perform or was it a quest to search for something important or perhaps a duel? Such thoughts made my head race and made my body squirm with curiosity. The night breeze felt chilling against my toes; wait a sec… why was my door open? I quickly glanced over to the corner of my room and sure enough, it was her, my darling older sister. She was peering through her rectangular spectacles, staring fixedly at me.
“Can’t sleep my dear brother?” Although it was dark, I could see her pink lips curve into a devilish smirk. As well the gleam on her glasses, made her cerulean eyes looked magnified. Her sharp eyes pierced through me as if she would never let anything pass her sight.
“Oh shush Lillian I’m trying to sleep.” I tried to make myself sound irritated, burying myself under the safety zone covers of my bed. “Nervous?” It sounded more like a statement rather than a question. “Nope. Not at all.” I mumbled out before I could catch myself. “Ahh…you’re lying to me aren’t you.” Gosh. I always hated that ability she has, the ability to foresee if someone is lying to her. It is a very good power though, but then I never get anything away from her. “Ok. So I am a bit nervous, but mostly excited.” I threw my pillow at her face that she unfortunately caught in her hands. I grinned innocently at her and she grinned sarcastically back, probably going to start never-ending rant with me.
She leaned against the golden door frame, gripping my silk pillow and hugging it to her chest. “You know Jason...” She began. “Tomorrow will decide on whether or not you shall take up the title of being a prince. If you fail at this task the elders of Shin Dynasty give you, you might not be able to take up the responsibility of being the king of Silver Slate.” Her voice reminded me of a sophisticated old lady. “I know that! You don’t have to tell me.” I said to her. “Just reminding you, little prince.” I saw her annoying smirk again. “Hey I am not little Lillian! I’m sixteen and no longer a little boy.”I scowled sitting up staring furiously at her. I know I was being a bit childish, but that hit a nerve. She threw my pillow back at my face, which unfortunately she had caught me off guard. “I know that you’re no longer a child.” She told me in a gentle soothing voice. “But I must warn you the task is something that is always unexpected. Even I didn’t know I was summoned to my task when it already started. And because I did not know what had happened to me, I thought I was going,” she paused and resumed in an insecure voice. “--to die alone.” At that exact moment I knew that something was wrong with her because she sounded like she was about to cry and seemed really frightened as her body slumped onto the freshly, silver cleaned carpet. It was compelling as she silently fell into her world of misery. I tried to extend my arms to her in attempt to comfort her stupidly, not knowing what else to do. “Lillian... are you ok because you seem--?
I was cut off. Suddenly her pink wings flew open in alarm as the ground shook uncontrollably. She turned her paled face into dimly lit hallway breathing erratically. Her figure slightly slanted as the ground shook and her auburn hair flowed out of her neatly tied bun. I bolted right out of my bed. I opened my eyes as the adrenaline in my body spread; alert for anything that was about to happen in this country. “What’s going on?” I asked my sister in a serious tone.
“I don’t know, but I’m going to look for father,” she says with distraught in her voice. Then without lingering for a moment longer, she sped off to the right with her auburn hair flowing wildly. I slipped on my d

Anyways, first things first- make sure you start a new paragraph every time someone new starts speaking. For example, you should break up conversation like this:
“Oh shush Lillian I’m trying to sleep.” I tried to make myself sound irritated, burying myself under the safety zone covers of my bed.

“Nervous?” It sounded more like a statement rather than a question.

“Nope. Not at all.” I mumbled out before I could catch myself.

“Ahh…you’re lying to me aren’t you.” Gosh. I always hated that ability she has, the ability to foresee if someone is lying to her. It is a very good power though, but then I never get anything away from her.

“Ok. So I am a bit nervous, but mostly excited.”

It might also help to differ sentences a bit. A lot of the sentences start with the subject- you should try using compound sentences or varying the structure. For example, instead of "She leaned against the golden door frame, gripping my silk pillow and hugging it to her chest" you could write "Leaning against the golden door frame, she gripped my silk pillow and hugged it to her chest." It just makes it a little more readable, I think.

Other than that, good ideas so far- good to know that you're getting creative with plot and not going with the same boring things everybody does, although I don't think you should reveal so much of the story so soon. I think you should gently transition the reader into things like the Shin Dynasty and the codes and things. Maybe wait a couple chapters to start revealing major plot points. Also, it's nice that you describe appearances through actions, like ". . .the gleam on her glasses made her cerulean eyes looked magnified" and ". . .her auburn hair flowed out of her neatly tied bun" instead of just saying 'she had cerulean eyes' or whatever. Not a big thing, but I just happened to notice it.

Hope you continue to work on it! What you've got is a really interesting start~

2009-01-22 22:27:02 by MomoCakes

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