Breeze Safety Glasses

This is my story so far. I would appreciate some feedback please and thank you. I asked this question a few mins. ago but i accidentally deleted it. And thanks again if you guys comment.

The luminous moon perched itself right outside my windows in the shadow of the night. Its translucent radiance illuminated this dark room of mine. Tomorrow will be the day that I shall grasp the meaning of being a human along with my so-called best friend slash rival, Nathan. I mean he is my best friend and all, but he is the prodigy of the best academy in all of Shin Dynasty, which means that he’s better than me. And because of that fact, he totally irritates me with his stuck-up personality. I mean why I couldn’t have been in his place always being fawned over the fan girls, though I would preferably not have his silly ability. But I know I can’t literally steal his place because that would mean breaking Code 126 of the hundreds of other codes we had to remember. I have repeatedly recited in my brain that the codes were magic laws or inhumane spells, officially made by the elders of Krystallite probably over thousands of times for class. I sighed reminding myself that Nathan and I were just too different.
I tossed and turned underneath my thick covers, being too excited for tomorrow. One step further towards my future. I mean what was I going to perform or was it a quest to search for something important or perhaps a duel? Such thoughts made my head race and made my body squirm with curiosity. The night breeze felt chilling against my toes; wait a sec… why was my door open? I quickly glanced over to the corner of my room and sure enough, it was her, my darling older sister. She was peering through her rectangular spectacles, staring fixedly at me.
“Can’t sleep my dear brother?” Although it was dark, I could see her pink lips curve into a devilish smirk. As well the gleam on her glasses, made her cerulean eyes looked magnified. Her sharp eyes pierced through me as if she would never let anything pass her sight.
“Oh shush Lillian I’m trying to sleep.” I tried to make myself sound irritated, burying myself under the safety zone covers of my bed. “Nervous?” It sounded more like a statement rather than a question. “Nope. Not at all.” I mumbled out before I could catch myself. “Ahh…you’re lying to me aren’t you.” Gosh. I always hated that ability she has, the ability to foresee if someone is lying to her. It is a very good power though, but then I never get anything away from her. “Ok. So I am a bit nervous, but mostly excited.” I threw my pillow at her face that she unfortunately caught in her hands. I grinned innocently at her and she grinned sarcastically back, probably going to start never-ending rant with me.
She leaned against the golden door frame, gripping my silk pillow and hugging it to her chest. “You know Jason...” She began. “Tomorrow will decide on whether or not you shall take up the title of being a prince. If you fail at this task the elders of Shin Dynasty give you, you might not be able to take up the responsibility of being the king of Silver Slate.” Her voice reminded me of a sophisticated old lady. “I know that! You don’t have to tell me.” I said to her. “Just reminding you, little prince.” I saw her annoying smirk again. “Hey I am not little Lillian! I’m sixteen and no longer a little boy.”I scowled sitting up staring furiously at her. I know I was being a bit childish, but that hit a nerve. She threw my pillow back at my face, which unfortunately she had caught me off guard. “I know that you’re no longer a child.” She told me in a gentle soothing voice. “But I must warn you the task is something that is always unexpected. Even I didn’t know I was summoned to my task when it already started. And because I did not know what had happened to me, I thought I was going,” she paused and resumed in an insecure voice. “--to die alone.” At that exact moment I knew that something was wrong with her because she sounded like she was about to cry and seemed really frightened as her body slumped onto the freshly, silver cleaned carpet. It was compelling as she silently fell into her world of misery. I tried to extend my arms to her in attempt to comfort her stupidly, not knowing what else to do. “Lillian... are you ok because you seem--?
I was cut off. Suddenly her pink wings flew open in alarm as the ground shook uncontrollably. She turned her paled face into dimly lit hallway breathing erratically. Her figure slightly slanted as the ground shook and her auburn hair flowed out of her neatly tied bun. I bolted right out of my bed. I opened my eyes as the adrenaline in my body spread; alert for anything that was about to happen in this country. “What’s going on?” I asked my sister in a serious tone.
“I don’t know, but I’m going to look for father,” she says with distraught in her voice. Then without lingering for a moment longer, she sped off to the right with her auburn hair flowing wildly. I slipped on my d

Anyways, first things first- make sure you start a new paragraph every time someone new starts speaking. For example, you should break up conversation like this:
“Oh shush Lillian I’m trying to sleep.” I tried to make myself sound irritated, burying myself under the safety zone covers of my bed.

“Nervous?” It sounded more like a statement rather than a question.

“Nope. Not at all.” I mumbled out before I could catch myself.

“Ahh…you’re lying to me aren’t you.” Gosh. I always hated that ability she has, the ability to foresee if someone is lying to her. It is a very good power though, but then I never get anything away from her.

“Ok. So I am a bit nervous, but mostly excited.”

It might also help to differ sentences a bit. A lot of the sentences start with the subject- you should try using compound sentences or varying the structure. For example, instead of "She leaned against the golden door frame, gripping my silk pillow and hugging it to her chest" you could write "Leaning against the golden door frame, she gripped my silk pillow and hugged it to her chest." It just makes it a little more readable, I think.

Other than that, good ideas so far- good to know that you're getting creative with plot and not going with the same boring things everybody does, although I don't think you should reveal so much of the story so soon. I think you should gently transition the reader into things like the Shin Dynasty and the codes and things. Maybe wait a couple chapters to start revealing major plot points. Also, it's nice that you describe appearances through actions, like ". . .the gleam on her glasses made her cerulean eyes looked magnified" and ". . .her auburn hair flowed out of her neatly tied bun" instead of just saying 'she had cerulean eyes' or whatever. Not a big thing, but I just happened to notice it.

Hope you continue to work on it! What you've got is a really interesting start~

2009-01-22 22:27:02 by MomoCakes

The Slingshot Channel revisits the safety issues. As most shooters know, safety glasses are mandatory when shooting with slingshots. But can ...

The Creatures

The soft light of the moon glistened above in its full beauty; a goddess amongst its envious stars. There was no sound except the rustling of the golden grass against the gentle night's breeze. No creature dared approach these ominous parts any longer. The only sign of existing life was a weathered cabin nested comfortably in the thickets of the eldritch trees just out of reach of the fields.

Deep in the interior of the cabin sat a warm, crackling fire underneath a crudely made fireplace; flames pumping as lively as a beating heart. Its smoke curled upwards in a graceful dance through the chimney and out into the bitter, cold night.

Sitting in a wicker rocking chair, was an old man with a worn appearance. His hair was white as death and pointed in every direction as if it was trying to escape his scalp. With milky, white eyes, he stared at the locked door across the room.

There were chilling shrieks coming from the other side of the door; this was the second one he caught this month. With them hunting nearer to his home, he was becoming even more cautious, he couldn’t afford to take any risks. This one was found tearing into the flesh of a fox not too far from his cabin. “Demons” he thought. What else could they be? No God would set these things lose on his beloved earth.

He began to worry that the thing would attract attention and guide its hellish companions in his direction, so he kicked the door violently to stop its cries, receiving only a hiss in return. He had to kill it and soon. Sighing one last time, he forced himself up and grabbed the cold barrel of his shotgun. He walked to the door apprehensively and unlocked it with a click. As soon as the door was opened, the creature lunged, with another hiss, into the shadows of the basement. Readying his gun, he searched the shadows with a scowl, determined not to show any fear. He walked cautiously to the far end of the basement, where he expected it to be submerged behind the boxes. As he put his finger on the trigger, he felt something cold and boney collide with the side his head and was immediately knocked to the ground, while the creature dogged out of sight through the open basement door. There was a sound of breaking glass as it lunged out the kitchen window. “Damn!” he cursed.

Wasting no time, he pulled himself up, ran up the stairs, and out into the night. He spotted it halfway across the field. It was repulsive looking, about the size of a child; its slimy, gray skin was covered in warts, and white, wispy hairs sat in patches on its over- sized head. The thing stared back at him with its luminous yellow eyes, before it raced on all fours further through the field. The chase was on. He pumped his legs with all his might trying not to pry his eyes form the creatures back. Sweat ran in beads down his forehead. He couldn’t let it get away; the thing knew where he lived now.
Galloping ahead, with incredible speed, the creature made earsplitting screams that sent shivers down the old man’s spine. The thing was calling for help!

It ran to the edge of the woods before it came to a sudden halt and suddenly turned towards the old man with a nefarious grin on its face revealing its razor sharp fangs. It was a trap! He quickly veered the other way as he spotted more of them pouring out of the forest. Heart racing, the old man tried in desperation to reach the safety of his cabin. He new it was in vain though; his legs were beginning to burn like fire, and they were gaining on him with ease.

The glow of the cabin fire was visible ahead. He was going to make it! Filled with sudden hope, the old man pumped his legs even harder, ignoring the aching pain. Closer and closer he was nearing safety, but just as quick as hope was restored, it vanished as he felt one of them jump up and grab him by the shoulders, sinking its razor sharp fangs into his back. He fell to the ground in sudden agony, it was over now; they finally got him. He screamed out in extreme pain, as they all began to pounce on him, sinking their teeth in like little daggers. Numbness began to kick in as the poison was injected.

Howls and hisses filled the air around him as the creatures celebrated their catch. They grabbed him by his ankles and drug him through the forest. Although paralyzed, the old man tried in vain to cry for help, his eyes filled with uncontrollable fear. And, as they drug him to his doom, he was too drenched in fear to notice the bones of other victims scattered on the forest ground. The fear grew worse, and as he saw that he was no longer in one piece, the horror of that realization was followed by one wish: that it would all be over soon.

I only read a little but from what I can tell its fairly good. However, don't over-describe things. You should also start with a gripping, exciting scene NEVER a descriptive one. You need to hook the reader, the scenery can fall into place later.

Happy writing. :)

2009-10-18 20:49:10 by Larry

You see from my previous question about that other book if you've seen it was missing the second book unfortuantly. Remember I'm only in seventh grade so don't get your hopes up for the bestest thing in the entire world. So here is part of the first chapter not done yet and it's kind of long so again brace yourselves...

Skylar Jackson - Secret Runaway

“C’mon Josh I’ve got to show you what I found,” I yell at my friend. Josh comes hesitantly into the forest behind me and says, “Are you sure we should be out here? I mean if we don’t get back to the orphanage by eight we’re going to be in big trouble.” I stop and turn around and ask, “Why are you worried about getting caught? We’ll be fine unless you’re too scared to keep going. Well, are you?” “I’m not afraid I was just concerned about your safety Jenny.” I put my hands on my hips and reply, “Uh-huh, sure…anyway c’mon or we won’t be there in time.”
I turn around and start running the other way with Josh close on my heels. I start running to the heart of the forest straight ahead. My name is Jenny Tanner and I’m twelve years old going to be thirteen tomorrow. My friend Josh is only two days older than me, but he’s a major scared-out-of-my-mind kind of guy, but I like him. He’s about the most daring guy I have ever met, but he really needs a push to get him going. We’re in the seventh grade and we always wanted to be spies so we had other names when we pretend we’re spies on a secret mission.
That’s like what we’re doing now; running away from the villains through the forest to our new secret base in the heart of the woods. We skid to a stop in front of an abandoned house. The roof has ratty old windows and the shingles rustled in the breeze. It’s made of complete wood with dead termites living in the wood. I start walking up to the house with my ratty faded jeans, dirty white shirt, and bare feet in all. Josh follows me with the same attire, but he was able to afford shoes so he had some torn up shoes with holes in them. If I didn’t mention it before then I’m mentioning it now we live in an orphanage in Crowley, Tennessee; we ride horses because our orphanage lady lives on a horse ranch.
There are only ten of us and she has eleven horses so we each have one of our own. Nobody ever comes in so the horses are technically ours. My horses name is Freedom and she is a black pure-breed Arabian with stunning light blue eyes. Anyway, I open the door to the old house and we walk into the open living room. Everything was covered in white except for a door straight ahead. I start running toward the door with Josh yelling, “Hey! Wait for me!” I stop in front of the door and open it; it creaks open and in the center of the room is a glass orb on a table with a skeleton woman dressed in super fancy attire like she was at a ball or something.
A chair is situated right across from her; Josh doesn’t follow me in. Actually the door creeps close like something is going to happen to me. I take a seat across from her and look into her crystal orb and I see me riding on Freedom away from the orphanage, but it’s not me because the girl has long straight white hair flowing in the breeze with electrifying blue eyes. She has a new pair of dark blue jeans and a short sleeved black shirt with black Vans on almost completely blending in with her stallion. She looks completely different from me, but I notice a slight resemblance in her body frame. Her face doesn’t even look like mine; she has a heart shaped face with almond shaped eyes. I have short ratty brown hair with brown eyes which is pretty much half the entire town. By the way it’s a small town. She’s absolutely beautiful, but then I notice people pursuing her from behind, but she’s losing them.
The image is covered with mist and then disappears. I hear someone clear their throat and I look up to see the mummy is now a breathing human being. I just about screamed when she covers my mouth and some kind of green smoke enters my mouth and my features start changing to the female inside the orb. My ragged short boy hair style straitens and grows all the way down to my knees. My bangs cover my entire forehead all the way to the top of my eyebrows. I can feel my eye color change to electrifying blue and my face features swiftly transforming to a soft heart-shaped face with almond eyes.
My clothing already changed and my hair shimmers to the color white; like snow white. I didn’t notice the girl’s nails, but my nails grow to about a ½ inch from my nub and turn blood red. She removes her hand and all my fears disappear. “You are now cursed with a terrible fate until true love’s kiss shall break your slate. You will runaway in fear for your death could be near. Travel the country far and wide to meet a drastic slip and slide. Your dreams will come true in the end for your life depends on certain amends.”
She sits back up and I see her transform back into a mummy. I understood every single word she said. I have a curse th

wow. it's good.
Not all your story came up though :P

2009-05-12 23:12:29 by Tierce

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This one is suppose to be kinda scary. I hvnt worked on it much so i know its a little rough. tell me what you think.

The soft luminescent light of the moon shone above in its full beauty. A goddess amongst its envious stars. Their was no sound except the soft rustling of the golden grass against the gentle night's breeze. No creature dared approach these ominous parts any longer. The only sign of existing presence was an old, weathered cabin nested comfortably in the thickets of the harrowing trees just out of reach of the fields. Deep in the interior of the cabin sat a warm, crackling fire underneath a crudely made fireplace, flames pumping gently yet as lively as a beating heart. Its smoke curled upwards in a graceful dance through the chimney and out into the bitter cold night. Sitting in a fragile wicker rocking chair was an old man with a worn down appearance. His hair was as white as death and pointed in every direction as if it was trying to escape his scalp. His skin was leathery and wrinkled with smears of dirt from the fields. His milky white eyes stared vapidly at the locked door across from him. He could vividly hear the chilling shrieks the creature was making on the other side of the door. This was the second one this month he found scavenging in his fields. He was becoming more cautious now that they where slowly starting to move closer to his home. He found this one devouring a young fox like an animal. Hell, they where animals, but not from here, he was certain of that. He began to worry that the creature would attract attention and guide its hellish companions in this direction, so he kicked the door violently to shut it up, receiving only a hiss in return. He had to kill it and soon. He knew they could only be killed under the light of a full moon, so he stored this one in his basement for just that purpose. He sighed one last time before forcing himself out of his chair and grabbed the cold barrel of his shotgun. He walked to the door apprehensively and unlocked it with a click. As soon as he opened the door the creature lunged with another hiss into the shadows of the basement. He was beginning to grow accustomed to this routine. He readied his gun and searched the shadows with a scowl on his face, determined not to show any fear. He walked cautiously to the far end of the basement where he excepted it to be submerged behind the boxes. As he put his finger on the trigger ready to shot on sight, he felt a slimy body collide with the his head and was immediately knocked to the ground while the creature dogged out of sight through the open basement door followed by breaking glass as it lunged out the kitchen window. Damn! now he had to hunt it down through the fields. He wasted no time in running out the front door and into the night. He immediately spotted it across the field. It was a repulsive looking thing, about the size of a child. It had slimy gray skin with a swollen head too big for its body. It was covered in warts and long wispy hairs. It stared back at him with its luminous yellow eyes before it raced on all fours further through the field. The chase was on. He pumped his legs as fast as he could trying not to pry his eyes form the creatures back. He couldn't let it get away. It new where he lived now. The thing galloped ahead making ear splitting screams that sent chills down the old man's back. It was calling for help. It ran to the edge of the woods before it came to a sudden halt and suddenly turned towards the old man with a nefarious grin on it's face revealing its razor sharp fangs. It was a trap! The old man quickly veered the other way as he spotted more of them pouring out of the forest. He ran full force determined to make it to the safety of his cabin. He new it was in vain though. They where gaining on him. He didnt even have the time to look back before he felt the the cold hands of one grab him by the shoulders yanking him to the ground and sinking its dagger-like fangs into him injecting him with poison that left him immediately paralyzed. He knew it was over now. They finally got him. and as they drug him through the woods and into the darkness of their cave he was too scared to notice the bones of other people scattered on the ground. It was over.

Very very good, but like one poster said there's a bit too much purple prose in the beginning, meaning the description is a bit of an overkill. You want to set the scene not hit the reader over the head with it and ram it down their throats. Don't worry about using he or he's too much. In books on writing they say one of the mistake new writers is feeling the need to vary word like he or he said. Your story is written in the third person so it's logical that you would use the word he or he's a lot. I like the rest of the descriptions in the story, to me it felt just right. I could picture what was going on. I think your pacing is good to it doesn't take long to get lost in the story. The only other thing I would suggest is describing the old man's fear a little bit. Was he sweating? Was his heart racing? Things like that.

2008-11-03 22:04:30 by anonymous

Again. A ruthless lie. Empty coat hangers. Snow resides on the windowsill. Silence. Crackling fire, warmth. Beautiful smiles. Beautiful eyes. Doorbells ring. A lifeless roof. Walls cracking. Sand swifts through my feet. Scorching sun in flames. Glares pierce my integrity. A crisp breeze through my hair. Dried eyes, burning tears. He stands amidst the chilling rain. In black suede jacket – hands of abundance. Pride. Welcoming arms of love. The badge. Authority. Piano in the distance. Freedom. The blessed soil of my country. Salutes. Evanescent, time. A sky of choices. Ink dripping, drop – drop. Permanently onto my covers – drop. My pen is running out. His presence beautifying. Safety. Peacocks dance radiantly. Soldiers stand tall. Humbly. Brave men and women. Coming home tonight. Come home please. Throw a rock at the mirror. Fight the venom. Plant a graceful tree. Love a life. She’s lying again; to me she lies. Unashamed so clearly. Numbness. Again and again I try. Clue in you – hear me out. He stands over me. Clinging to his sleeve. Reluctant steps. Orange leaves flow down the path. Revered courage. Lights and sirens. Inclement snowflakes melt. Goosebumps. Time goes on. They stray along. Reminiscence once more. Glass breaks instantly. Tearing into thousand pieces. Clustered around my feet. Whispers. Gently…against my skin. Rose pedals. Voices. Thirst of the river lingers. Spread your wings. Visit sometime. Take the risk; it’s worth your soul. He’s holding me. Fearing the comfort. Too safe. Paper cuts on my finger. Running against the fine anguish. She’s gone now. I’m all right again. But he’s leaving. Don’t go. It’s our day. The hallway. Mist refrains me. Silence. Snow resides on the windowsill. Empty coat hangers. A ruthless lie. Again.
Actually. I was just bored one day and jotted down thoughts. The end.

Some people learning meditation think they can block out the
thousands of thoughts that bombard their minds every hour.
Where do they come from? How to control them and prevent them
from entering?

If you turn off the radio and TV, your mind still fills with thoughts.
Some might be zealous, some fear thoughts - demanding.

Maybe you can channel them in a productive direction
as in a work outlet.

2009-07-25 03:23:59 by piercing integrity